We support our clients through all kinds of difficult conversations in the workplace – some routine, others more complex. One that comes up time and again is the conversation about saying no to a pay rise. It’s a moment that can be challenging for both parties: emotionally charged, often unexpected, and with the potential to affect trust, motivation and morale.
It is particularly tough because it strikes at the heart of how people feel valued and recognised. Salary isn’t just about money; it’s a symbol of appreciation, progress and self-worth. When someone is told they’re not getting a raise, it can feel like a personal reflection of their work, even if the reasons are objective. That emotional weight makes these conversations highly sensitive, often triggering defensiveness, disappointment or even anger – especially if expectations haven’t been clearly managed beforehand.
These are the kind of difficult conversations that shape team dynamics, so how do you deliver the message clearly and fairly, and what can you do if the response is anything but calm?
Step 1: Prepare Your Message with Care
Before the meeting, make sure you’re clear on why the decision was made. Is it based on performance, budget limitations, company policy or a combination of these?
Write down the key points you want to communicate. Write them firstly in long form and then again as bullets, to make them more succinct. Anticipate possible reactions and rehearse your language – this helps you to not sound scripted – and remain steady under pressure. These kinds of difficult conversations often derail when managers feel flustered or caught off guard.
Ask yourself:
- What is the core message I need to deliver?
- How can I be honest, while still showing care?
- What support or forward-looking actions can I offer?
Step 2: Start with Empathy, Then Get to the Point
Begin the conversation by setting a respectful tone. Acknowledge that the topic is sensitive and that you want to be as open and supportive as possible.
“I know conversations around pay are really important, and I want to approach this with honesty and care.”
Then, be direct—but kind.
“After reviewing things, we won’t be offering a pay rise at this time.”
Avoid vague language or over-explaining upfront. Clarity is key in crucial conversations. Say the difficult thing early and give the other person space to absorb it.
Step 3: Explain the ‘Why’ Clearly
Once the message has landed, follow up with the reasoning. Whether it’s based on performance benchmarks, team-wide pay structures or wider financial pressures, share the rationale in a transparent, non-blaming way.
For example:
“We’ve had to take a cautious approach across the business this year. Pay reviews have only been approved in cases where there’s been a significant change in responsibilities.”
Or:
“You’ve made valuable contributions, but there are still key development areas we need to work on before we can justify a salary increase.”
Where possible, back your explanation with evidence and context. Unclear or inconsistent reasoning is one of the biggest triggers for frustration in these conversations.
Step 4: Shift the Focus to Growth
Once the initial message is clear, pivot the conversation toward the future. People may not like the decision – but if they see a pathway forward, they’re more likely to stay engaged.
“Let’s talk about what success looks like over the next six months, and how I can support you in getting there.”
Co-create a plan that includes measurable goals, development opportunities and a timeline for review. This transforms a difficult moment into a growth-focused dialogue.
Step 5: Stay Grounded If Emotions Run High
But what if they don’t take it well? What if they get angry, defensive or aggressive?
This is where your calm, steady presence really matters. Difficult conversations often trigger deep emotions—and your job isn’t to fix those feelings, but to hold the space professionally.
Here’s how to handle it:
- BREATH. Flood your body with oxygen. THINK. Take time to formulate your response. SPEAK. Clearly articulate.
- Don’t mirror their energy. If they raise their voice or become argumentative, you must stay calm.
- Acknowledge their emotion, not their argument.
“I can see this is really frustrating for you, and I hear that you feel this decision is unfair.”
- Hold your boundary. Don’t let the conversation turn into a negotiation or debate.
“I understand this isn’t what you wanted to hear, and I want to be honest that the decision won’t be changing. But I do want us to work together on what’s next.”
- Know when to pause or stop the meeting. If the person becomes disrespectful or too emotional to continue constructively:
“Let’s pause here and pick this up when things feel a little more settled. I want to have this conversation in a way that feels productive for both of us.”
Step 6: Follow Up in Writing
After the conversation, especially if emotions ran high, send a written summary. This protects both parties and reinforces clarity.
Include:
- A recap of the decision
- A brief outline of the reasons discussed
- Any agreed next steps or review timelines
- An offer to revisit the conversation at a later date if needed
This is not just a paper trail—it’s a professional courtesy that closes the loop and shows you’re serious about communication and accountability.
Step 7: Reflect and Learn
Every difficult or crucial conversation is an opportunity to refine your leadership. After the meeting, ask yourself:
- Did I stay calm and clear?
- Did I show empathy without backing down?
- Could I have prepared or framed anything better?
These reflections will help you handle the next one with even more confidence and grace.
Final Thought
Difficult conversations are where leadership lives. When someone doesn’t get the outcome they hoped for, how you communicate matters more than ever. You’re not just managing disappointment—you’re modelling respect, honesty, and emotional intelligence.
Handled well, even the toughest moments can strengthen trust and pave the way for future success. It’s not about avoiding conflict. It’s about meeting it with clarity, empathy, and courage.
At 1948, we specialise in helping businesses navigate difficult conversations with clarity and confidence. Our Crucial Conversations training gives leaders the tools to communicate effectively – even in high-stakes, emotionally charged moments like pay discussions. Participants don’t just learn theory – they rehearse real scenarios with professional actors, building the muscle memory to stay calm, grounded and impactful when it matters most.
If your team is facing tough conversations, we can help you turn them into opportunities for trust, growth and stronger leadership.
Find out more here or get in touch here if you’d like to start a conversation.
